Why we hate...

Why we hate the staff.

We are the senior management team, the captains of the ship

Our goal to increase the wealth of share and stakeholders

And, of course, all of us in the team, whilst we’re at it.

We have our human assets, the most important thing we claim,

The company relies on staff, exploits them madly

Well, it’s just our little game.

We set the strategy for the company (it includes our personal wealth)

We give ourselves big cars, share options, bonuses

And BUPA for our health.

We set the staff objectives, performance they must meet,

Impossible and unreasonable they may be,

They complain, we won’t accept defeat.

Our staff, we say are vital, please believe our professional judgement

We repeat that lie ad ifinitum

Until we make the lot redundant.

Why we hate the management.

We are the staff, the rank and file, the sales processes we complete,

Despite the rubbish passed down to us by management

We try to avoid defeat.

We do think the customer important, they pay our weekly crust

We try and work hard whilst we are here,

Management shout loudly,’ Increase productivity or we go bust.

Work harder, longer for less pay, the company must survive’

It makes us feel like worker drones in a rather rubbish bee hive.

We try and talk to management, but it’s if we just weren’t there

Our ideas are passed by, our complaints ignored,

They’re not interested in what is and isn’t fair.

‘We have your best interests at heart, there is no need to fuss,

‘Things are going well, there are no concerns.’

But we know they will get rid of us.

Why we hate everyone

We are the middle management stuck in the friendly fire

Pressure comes plummeting down from on high

And up from the staff we hire.

Senior management is appalling, the staff in open revolt,

The shop floor is threatening wildcat strikes.

Management are hiding, they don’t think they're at fault.

We have to pass the messages up the chain then back down to the staff.

We relay demands and messages; both parties say ‘You’re having a laff.’

It’s like being the filling in a sandwich

Being squeezed hard from both sides all the time,

You can’t just can’t win there’s no end in sight.

It’s just hopeless.

Office birthdays

(With a grateful thanks to 'The Mikado')

I have some office staff working in the office where they can be found

I’ve got a little list – I’ve got a little list

Clerks, admin staff and several sales support members I’ll be bound

And who would quite likely be soon missed – quite likely would be missed

Whose birthdays I keep updated, this is serious please don’t laugh

It’s getting very complex they’re all now on an Excel graph

All the staff have celebrations with dates falling throughout the year

Who bring in cakes and pastries, orange juice and banoffee pie I fear.

They all want to provide something, they really do insist

I have to take care none of them is missed, none of them can be missed

Chorus; He’s got ‘em on his list, he’s got ‘em on his list

I have to take care none of them is missed, none of them can be missed.

There’s Karen and Husnara providing sales support

And Susan the PA, I’ve got her on the list

And the team that takes the orders and prepares the daily reports

They would be missed, they really would be missed.

There’s Sandra that does something with the finance and puts it into SAP

And Helen and Janet who send out invoices and deal with all that crap.

The team work hard but love their cakes and their fancy little buns

My weight is going up I’ve had to increase my twice weekly runs

I’ve had to ban the wine or we’d always be pissed

I have to join in with them, there’s not one that can be missed

I have to take care none of them is missed, none of them can be missed.

Chorus; He’s got ‘em on his list, he’s got ‘em on his list

I have to take care none of them is missed, none of them can be missed.

The sorry fax

We’ve been together over 15 years now

A long time.

Shared memories, holidays, events, disasters

Companion of mine

Life’s ups, downs, reversals, triumphs,

Remember the travel?

When things went stunningly well

And then unravel.

With a face so unlined, so young and smooth

Future and past.

Others paraded their flashy newcomers

They didn’t last.

Things planned, cancellations, falling out

Not to be.

You stuck by me, wherever I went

Dependent and reliably.

I could see my future planned out with you

Day and week.

We would be together forever

Future to seek

My constant partner no thought of parting

Erase what’s wrong

I held you tightly by my side

Together we belong.

I never thought my head would be turned

Fallen like Eve.

Another one came to take your place

Hard to believe

A young contender so small and powerful

Californian apple shown

I gave up my beloved leather Filofax

For a 32Gb 4S iPhone.

So many ways to tell me...

I'm missing you so badly
I'm feeling quite alone
I know you're very busy
But at least you could have phoned.

I'm missing you so badly
Our love I think might fail
I know you've got lots to do
But you probably could email.

I forget how it is to touch you
I hardly miss the sex
I know you've got a job to do
But you could have sent a text.

I want you to be with me
Throughout the day and night
I know you're out for the weekend
But maybe you could have Skyped.

There's so many ways to communicate
We need to keep in touch
You such an important part of me
Would a postcard be too much?

I love you deeply madly
I'd give everything up for you
You're out with friends again today
A Post It note would do.

I'm getting sort of desperate
I still want to be your man
You're out with the girls for lunch right now
You could try a telegram.

I've not been feeling too well for days
I want to be so much better
You've gone on two weeks holiday
You might have sent a letter.

You have to call or contact me
I'm confused, you're being so lax
You just cannot stay out of touch
My last chance is a fax.

Communication is failing
I don't want us to part
So I'm writing you this message
And sending a poem to win your heart.
And sending a poem to win your heart.

Communication

I sent you all my details

My very soul I have now shown
I know you’re very busy
But at least you could have phoned

I posted them recorded
Did the postal system fail?
I know you've got lots to do
But at least you could email

The process is so very opaque
I don’t know what comes next
I know you've got a job to do
But you could have sent a text

I need to know your feelings
Is my experience wrong or right?
I know you don’t work weekends
But at least you could have Skyped

I need to know what’s happening

No response, it just won’t do
No doubt you’re lunching some VIP
A Post It note would do

I thought you’d help fix my future
It's such a body blow
I think it's looking bleak right now
There’s nowhere else to go

Communication is failing
Recruitment consultants don’t earn their bread

I’ve seen you on the television

You’re called the ‘Walking Dead.’

In the old days

In the old days

You would go to work with one pen stuck in your inner jacket pocket,

Lunch would be in the works canteen

subsidised

Overtime would be paid for hours

worked

Continuous stationery would print

Phones would ring

Memos were typed

In the old days

In the old days

You were given a pager with a flashing red light to clip on your belt pocket

Lunch would be a sandwich from a garage,

on expenses

You worked as many hours

as it took

Performance prizes could be won

Faxes print out

Memos are sent

In the old days

In the old days

A mobile phone was installed in your company car, taking up the boot space

Lunch would be a sandwich from a garage,

on expenses

You worked as many hours

as it took

A large briefcase was provided

Pens and calculators

Teletext messages arrived

In the old days

In the old days

A mobile phone sat in your jacket pocket ringing, a heavy weight

Lunch is what you made the night before,

eaten at your desk

You worked as many hours as it took

for more money

Many emails arrive

Read and reply

In the old days

And these days

The tiny mobile sits on the desk, it doesn’t ring anymore

Lunch is a lonely sandwich made last night

eaten at the desk

You leave the office as soon as you can

far less money

Life is outside work

It's different now

These days

Talk to the hand

There are things you know you can rely on,

That you believe will rarely go wrong,

Swiss watches, Japanese train times, John Lewis,

The rising of the sun.

You can even trust a few work colleagues,

Who’ll rarely let you down,

Working to complete the task,

They generally stick around.

There are other things that go belly up

Guaranteed to send you over the top

Photocopiers jamming with urgent deadlines

Print runs that just won’t stop.

Staff that fail to come to work

Citing mysterious illnesses as an excuse.

Check if there’s a major sports event

Self-signed sick notes get some abuse.

But the thing that sends me postal

Makes me leak steam and want to swear

Is when I’m treated as if I’m invisible

As if I’m just not there

Despite knowing my job intimately

Management believe they still know it all

You can’t give good advice despite all your attempts

You might as well talk to the wall.

I present

You’d think that communication would be easy with all the technology

we have.

That ideas, plans, concepts, reviews, analysis could be passed on so easily

to all.

An audience would be persuaded, informed, kept up to date, instructed

at once.

But

I’m giving up the will to live, I’m going to fall asleep

The speaker keeps droning on, I’m falling off my seat.

Slides are full with paragraphs there’s fewer words on a page of a dictionary

I’m sure.

The speaker has over 100 slides to show, attenuation of data is not a skill

they know.

People say they hate public speaking so much yet talk for hours

non stop.

But

My eyes are feeling heavy, I think I might just snore

I’m going to make a run for it to the nearest exit door.

Slides are used as a script the medium being stronger than the message

it seems.

Backs are turned to the audience the speaker ignores them whilst speaking

for ever.

My definition of eternity is this beginning, muddle then merciful end

please stop.

But

I want to scream ‘It makes no sense a law maker we should appoint

And pass immediate legislation to outlaw PowerPoint.

It's the real thing

Meetings tire and bore us,

Paperwork stays in the tray,

Emails build up in inboxes,

Phone calls get in our way,

Management gives us targets,

We nod at lies we’re fed,

It isn’t what we are here for

There are other things instead.

Who’s fighting who in IT,

The police are after Fred,

Shirley’s looking pregnant,

Fernando just dropped dead,

How did she get promoted,

The negatives she must hold,

Who’s sleeping with the P.A,

We really must be told.

Work psychology is complex

Social interaction, status, pay.

But we come to work to gossip,

It gets us through the day.

Perspective

The customers are complaining, their products have not appeared,

The photocopier is playing up, the paper is all smeared,

The boss is on the warpath she’s in such a terrible mood,

The finance team want their figures NOW they’re being very rude,

The toilets are all broken, the bowls will no longer flush,

The phones are down, the system slow, the car park is a crush,

The fire alarm is broken it keeps sounding all the time,

But my biggest problem of the day is where’s that coffee cup of mine?

Stationery, not moving

In numerous cupboards, drawers and cabinets spread across the land
 

Vast stocks of office treasure can be spied
,

These vaults contain desirable stuff plus there’s quite a lot else beside.

Notebooks, erasers, hole-punches, blank disks, plastic folders, pin tacks too

Biros, sellotape, bulldog clips, rubber bands, fugitive glue

Tipex, toners, gaffer tape, plastic sacks

Paper clips, blu-tack, record cards, folders, wax crayon packs

Staplers, staples and plastic holders

CD-RWs, OHP pens, floppy discs, card holders

Each office sheriff guards this valued store

Doling out minimum quantities, don’t be an Oliver and ask for more.

Never admitting to other departments they might have some spare

Even if they have an urgent need and despair

Of replacements coming the very next day

No OHP felt pens, there’s hell to pay.

Oddly the store seems to exceed annual consumption,

But supplies are still ordered, the department must function.

The cupboard bulges with more requisites in store,

I suppose they order in case of apocalyptic war,

Where office supplies become hard to obtain

No dry wipe markers, the eternal shame.

There’s a restriction on pay, overtime is not paid

Redundancies are common, savings are made

But somehow the packed cupboards are out of Finance’s sight

Spending increases, this cannot be right,

Stationery suppliers love it, they're not confused

‘It’s like Coleman’s Mustard, 

We make money from what isn't used.

The unspoken contract

An ode to the most boring job I've ever done.

I come to the office, I stare at the screen

I read some emails, I don’t know what they mean

The suits give orders, the staff bear the pain

There’s probably a reason but no one explains

To be less productive would take some time

I’m doing very little so, anyway, that’s fine

There’s an unspoken contract come the end of day.

I pretend to work, they pretend to pay.