"IT assistant required. We require a young enthusiastic assistant to look after the zoo's It. The It, a striking 13ft tall, seven eyed hairy creature oozing a foamy substance and moaning, has eaten the past three assistants and is now looking for a new friend." Framley Examiner
I am now unemployed. Not quite officially as I have not yet handed over an acceptable DNA sample or lodged one of my children with the JobCentre as a hostage in case I get a job and do not declare it to them within 5 secs. Since calling the JobCentre people (friendly and courteous) last Friday and having spent 1 hour on the phone to them with the pre-qualifying questions and then over an hour in the JobCentre on Tuesday proving that what I said on the phone was true, I still do not a.) know how much if anything, I'm entitled to and b.) when I'll get it. I'm quite well educated but this is not an easy process to understand so I now know how the Government keeps the unemployment statistics low. First you need a comprehensive filing system of all your personal finances that the British Library would be proud of and then the persistence of Jack Bauer in "24" to keep going to claim it. And not even Jack Bauer could complete this task in fewer than 5 days. They even wanted to know how much cash I had (really), and I half expected them to ask how many condoms I might be carrying in my wallet for the weekend plus the weight of fluff at the bottom of my wife's handbag in case it had some monetary value on the International Fluff Exchange market. Many people I have spoken to recently say they just do not bother claiming unemployment benefit as it is too intrusive into their personal life and that of their partners. Me, I say I've paid my taxes and Tesco do not mind where the money comes from to buy food. Well to a point. A Columbian drug baron may find their business politely rejected.
I am applying for jobs. Now. This minute. You would not believe the number of people I have met that have said words to the effect "You can take some time to chill out and have a rest." What? These people are mad and dangerous and should be avoided. I can do maths. I divide final payment into months survival and go "gulp". They, on the other hand, have never been unemployed, can't do maths or both. And think APR stands for And Purchase Right now.
Finding a new permanent job is like buying a house in my philosophy. What you want, what you will accept and what you finally get. We'll see. I can articulate exactly the sort of job I want, the people I'd like to work for and with and even the values that they live and work by. This organisation must exist somewhere, probably in rural Shropshire and is so good that it is kept deliberately secret so that they are not overwhelmed by job seekers wanting to work there.
Local job ads are a source of fun but not jobs. I've undertaken a variety of jobs in the past as a student -worked on a refuse truck, cleaned cars, delivered cars, washed plates at a large hotel, been a car park attendant, a bar worker and a sewer cleaner. Yes, I can say that, in my ode, "Composed on the ramparts of Raglan Sewers"
Earth has not anything to show more fair
Dull would he be of soul who could pass by
A sight so touching in its majesty and smelly.
I thought I might do some part time work (even though as a 40% tax payer this means that I'll have little left after deductions - but it might be more than the dole if only I knew what it came to. Which I don't.
I see from this week's local paper that I could be a Sous Chef (Native American cook?), part time bathroom fitter (DIY is an anathema to me, I have to read the instructions to put a new light bulb in), a "room attendant" (cleaner?) or, and I quote, "an additional client manager who can be just plain old experienced". So much for the age discrimination law then.
The ones that really intrigue me are the earn "OTE £1000 a week, call this premium rate number, car and nightstick needed" and particularly the jobs printed in dayglo colours tied to light posts at busy roundabouts that say "OTE £5000 per month (or other outrageous figure) own car and jar of vaseline required. Call Estonia 1234567."
Not that desperate. But don't you just want to call the number to find out what it involves?
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