Thursday 15 March 2007

"I shouldn't have said that. I really should NOT have said that." Hagrid. Film version of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

Do you have an inner dialogue? I do. Especially before important meetings and it's almost always work related. I mean I don't have them if I go to the doctor's for example or at the checkout at Tesco. I like my conversation to be spontaneous and free flowing at that point. Or perhaps I'm too lazy.

I like to mentally prepare my potential conversation like a game of chess. My opening gambit, my feint and bluff, and then checkmate. I think 'I'll say this then they will reply with that point. I will counter that point, repudiate their accusation and refute their arguments. They will be left gasping with the skill of my finely honed logic and the devastating put-down of their puerile schemes. They surrender. I will win the day.'

Do you have an inner dialogue after meetings? I do. Usually along the lines of 'but they didn't counter my points as they should, where did that fact come from? why did they say that? why did my brain suddenly empty of all my arguments leaving me gasping like a fish out of water? they did not play fair, they would not listen, why did I say that? I cannot believe I said that. I am an abject loser.'

I'd rather face a clever opponent rather than a stupid one. At least with clever ones you know they will dissect you logically. You're dead but cleverly dead if that makes it better? Stupid ones do stupid things - you may end up badly wounded.

And so it was on the day of the redundancy itself. The signs were not good, several vultures hanging around the HQ building, a body bag outside the MD's office so that the corpse of my career could be taken to the local landfill site and, of course, the white sealed envelope on the MD's desk. Usual stuff, considered your skills very carefully blah, blah cod expression of regret ('Anything for this ex-employee, oops, to do?' they shout to their PA, 'No? Right off with him and sharpish.'). Then the letter. Remember this is my fourth time so far fewer nerves this time.

I won't bore you with the details but I'd been promised something in writing. I'd anticipated this and my inner dialogue was prepared. Well they say that no battle plan survives first contact with the enemy and they are so right. I transfixed him with my best stare (stare at the eyebrows I was very well advised) and started with some probing questions like 'This is your signature buddy and you wrote this, got you bang to rights.' He said they would not honour it, things had changed then got cross with me, I got cross in return and there was a fight in the playground.

And the winner is? Me, by a clear knockout but I had to use their own formal procedures and the law against them. Not quite the firm handshake, manly nod of the head and then riding off into the sunset and future as I'd hoped. Based on my own statistics clearly the probability of my going through a redundancy that is handled well is 16% and falling rapidly.

So any advice?
1. It is an unwritten rule to get everything in writing. Do so. Make notes of any meeting you have, dates, times who said what (and be truthful, don't enter the world of the inner dialogue). I guarantee that despite what is said to you then the other side will make notes whether it is claimed the conversation is off the record or with 'no prejudice". You don't have to show the notes to the other side at this stage but if you can get them witnessed shortly afterwards by a credible witness then even better. Then you can claim that your contemporaneous notes are more contemporaneous than their's.

2. If you think you are right stand your ground. Know the law, talk to the CAB and any other free source you can. Use the formal procedures against them and don't be tempted to skip them. If they have made a mistake then it's a procedural error which might mean breach of contract and that could cost them.

3. Do a cost benefit analysis. It is all well and good wanting the MD to crawl naked over broken glass whilst shouting out abject apologies for his most humble error of judgement and then carrying out ritual disembowelment if all you wanted was the terms of your contract applied correctly. Remember that Industrial Tribunals can sometimes rule perversely and there is a cost to all of this. Though more for them than you. Probably.

4. Try to leave on good terms. It's a small world and we don't want to slam any doors shut do we? Well yes in my case and if someone's face had made contact at the same time then all to the better. Though I dream of some of the ne'er do wells I've met in my career coming to me for an interview or to sign off a huge business deal and then seeing the horror on their face when they realise that I hold their future in their my hands.

A man can dream can't he?



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