Tuesday 1 May 2018

I’m afraid I can’t do that Dave

It's 7.30 on a Monday morning. 
Dave is running a little late starting work this morning. 
'Eleven minutes late, derailment of container truck, Raynes Park', Dave will say if anyone asks.
They won't. No one will get the reference to Reginald Perrin anyway. 
If it isn't on YouTube, FaceBook or Instagram then it doesn't exist. 
The truth is he couldn't remember the log-on password as it was changed at the end of last week. He always has a strong password. Every month it has to change and it took a few tries to get logged on this time. No way was he going to call the IT no-bloody-use-whatsoever-help-line. He wrote it down incorrectly when he had an unexpected call on Friday afternoon. Dave finally figured it out

A coffee cup in hand Dave sits at his office desk on his office chair. It's a very tidy desk. it's an ergonomically superior chair.
On his desk is a 30" monitor with built in computer, wireless keyboard and mouse, a pen and notebook and, though frowned upon by the company and the team he works with, a to-do list. These are kept to one side and as much out of sight as possible. The company really prefers a paperless environment though Dave continues to wonder at the amount paper that still comes out of his printer (that's the problem with virtual printing, never sure where the stuff will come out). Of course company rules say unless print outs are specifically for you then they should be shredded unread. And of course it is. Without fail (the odd nugget of information can always be gleaned by a quick scan just before it hits the shredder). 

Dave adjusts his Total Office Immersive headset over his head. Its the 9000 series. He no longer feels nauseous using it as he did with the earlier models. He struggles, as he does most times, to fit it over his glasses frames. They are really designed for the younger team, those with perfect eyesight (or contact lenses), gleaming teeth and ripped bodies. However, the view it provides of his team is remarkable - pin sharp, and with conversations easily heard.

His eyes adjust and the rest of his team come into view through the VR headset screen. Most now work from their homes, as Dave does. Dave has a fast VPN connection straight through to the server. The commute into work to HQ has become almost intolerable and too expensive on public transport, especially for those on the lower grades. Dave is a senior manager so is more insulated than most from the rising costs. True, the downside was the loss of his large company car. That was rather nice sitting on his drive. Made a statement. The 5 year old Skoda he now has is entirely practical, reliable and cheap to run but...a BMW it ain't. Anyway it's been decided that remote working most of the time is really productive and, when visits to the head office become necessary, hot desking is the preferred option. The only option. Unless you are a Director when, strangely, the rules seem to be different.

The VR system allows Dave to have simultaneous team meetings, 1-2-1s, restricted meetings and catch ups with his line manager. You can listen into conversations if the other VR parties accept. The headset can be taken off and you can use the built in camera in the desktop for an old fashioned Skype type conference call. That's why the pens and paper are carefully put to one side - in case his line manager (or team) see that he's using such old technology. Old technology! Pens and paper old? Still, a much harder audit trail with paper. That's why he still uses it. Contemporaneous notes are always useful. The VR 9000 also gives you a great deal of freedom from using a mouse. It handles all sort of voice commands. 'Open the file I was using yesterday morning; I want to talk to Steve; let me see Kirsty's screen; I want a team conference call; hang up; I want to dictate an email'. The AI is really very impressive. The team and his line manager laughed at him when he first started to use it. 'Bet it was all steam powered when you first started' they'd say, 'All you have to say is what you want it to do, having a senior moment?', 'The light from your bald spot is blinding me, adjust the VR 9000 prefs.' And so on. Very funny. Not. Still, the ethos of the firm is to have fun at work. VR conversation is encouraged to help avoid the feeling of isolation from working at home and hey, it's only banter Dave, where's the problem in that?

Dave has no problem with the system though. The 9000 series has a perfect operational record they say. 
'Famous last words' thinks Dave.
Dave is 61. He's the oldest in his team by some margin. But with his IT background he really understands how it's all actually built. How the 9000 integrates. He was an IT engineer back when someone had to assemble desktops in an enterprise. He can find work-arounds, fix bugs, sort out all sorts of glitches the IT Help Desk can't. And he can use the software. He often gives informal tutorials to his team who haven't had the training he had. He knows what he's doing. 

Catch-ups. That's interesting thinks Dave, he's hardly seen anything of his management in the last month or so now he thinks about it. They used to talk regularly, office meetings at least once a month but, recently, less. A lot less. He can see their on-line calendars but most of the slots are showing as 'Private.' So he can't work anything out from that. Yes company policy to have all calendars open on line - but not necessarily for anyone to see what it is you are up to. Unusual though. Up until recent times there was little cloaking of appointments.

Dave says morning to the team through the VR unit. He sees them wave, acknowledge, on his headset, sending him Monday morning emojis. Strangely quieter than usual this morning. Oh well, work to do. First complete the major bid for a new client, then catch up with the team on what they did over the weekend in an hour or so.

Dave sits back in his chair. 'Computer open the file I was using on the Consolidated Ho-Hahs  account yesterday.'
Nothing happens.
Dave repeats the request.
Nothing happens again.
Monday morning computer glitch. No problem. Dave will hack around and find the file in a few minutes. Maybe a server is having problems spooling up. Dave knows that feeling himself on a Monday morning.
Mandy, one of the newer members of staff, has been struggling of late and the quality of her work has been decreasing. No one knows the reason, it seems. Dave is working with HR to find a route to help her through the problem and get her performance back up. She's not logged on yet and can't be seen at her at 'desk'. Dave thinks he will review her file and see if HR have found out any more that will help him to help her.
'Computer open Mandy's HR performance file.'
Nothing happens
'Computer open Mandy's HR performance file.'
Nothing happens again.

Dave asks 'Computer open my top level team HR files.' He will start at the top and drill down  the hierarchy.
'I’m afraid I can’t do that Dave' says VR9000
'Why not'
'Your access has been removed.'
Dave is taken aback. A mistake? Really?
'Who authorised that?'
'I'm afraid I can't tell you that Dave'
'Well open the Consolidated Ho-Hah file then'
'I’m afraid I can’t do that Dave.' 
'Don't tell me access has been denied to that as well?'
'That is correct Dave'
Dave asks to talk to Steve, his most senior member of the team, to see if he knows what's going on. He sees his face on the VR momentarily, Steve looks, well, faintly smug, then his face fades to black. Then the rest of the team blink out one by one, most not even looking or acknowledging him anymore.
Dave commands 'Show me see my virtual desk.' This is where his on-going tasks sit. This is where management park the array of things they want him to do. Virtually of course.
'I’m afraid I can’t do that Dave'

Dave is now concerned. This is not right.
'Put me through to HR'
The screen dims then he is connected to Linda by the Window. This is a surprise, he thought he'd get a staffer.
Linda is one of the few senior HR managers with not only a real office, but also a corner one. To emphasise this she makes sure you always see her sitting by the window on the VR screen. It's a weird power thing.
'Linda what's going on, I'm being denied access to all my systems and staff?
'I'm sorry Dave but we are having a restructure and it means that some of our staff are now surplus to requirements. You have been put in the pool for redundancy - however I'm sure you will understand that whilst we go through this process we need to restrict access to sensitive material.'
'You can't do this' says Dave, 'I've been here for 28 years, I've grown up with the company since we installed the original desktops and took on the first clients. I know this company inside out.'
Dave has an epiphany. 'This explains why no one has been talking to me for the last month doesn't' it. You've all known. My team has known. Don't tell me you're getting Steve to fill in. What does he know? How will I get another job at my age?'
          
'I honestly think you ought to calm down; take a stress pill and think things over. We have a good package, you know that, early retirement will suit you. This is a growing company, fast paced, dynamic, 24/7, we need a team that can keep up, match our pace. I've just sent the package to your printer. We'll be in touch in a few days. We'll collect our equipment in 30 minutes.'

Belinda's picture fades.

The VR screen starts to blink out, the virtual desktop closes, the file access portal swings shut, the team disappears. The last icon on the headset is the virtual pod door that contains all Dave's personal files, the private stuff, the memories of his 28 years in the company.

'Computer open the pod door.'

'I’m afraid I can’t do that Dave'

The screen goes blank.

The printer spews out the paperwork. 

The system closes down.

Dave looks around. There's no one to talk to.

 A white van with the company logo pulls up outside. There's a knock at the door.


______________________________________________________

Listen to The Redundancy Podcast on;

iTunes
TuneIn Radio
SoundCloud
Sticher















No comments: