Would you take a much lower paid job? That's what I ask in my latest podcast

New Year, new podcast

When you’ve tried for many months and there’s no medium term realistic prospect of a job at anything like your old salary is it now time to start applying for much lower paid, almost certainly much less demanding roles? And if you are offered one do you take it?

Hope over Experience. Job applications and graphic language (the script)

This is the redundancy podcast.

The purpose of the podcast is to share the challenges of finding a job in your late 50s and 60s.

In this second mini vlogg I’m going to discuss some graphic language. The graphic language of job applications. As we all know to get a job you have to, of course, apply for a job unless you get the very rare and unexpected call from a head hunter who offers you the job of your dreams out of the blue. I’ve seen more unicorns than had calls like this.

When it comes to job searching I believe that each week starts full of hope and promise. I like to think that I'm a fairly positive sort of guy in the circumstances, or possibly misguided with a tenuous grasp on reality, you can take your pick, but sometimes I find the ducks of promise are quickly shot down by the gamekeepers of despair.

I think most of us travel in hope. You know the sort of stuff: your teenager might spontaneously clean their room, they might change their underwear more than once a week, they might have a conversation with you that includes words with more than one syllable and lasts longer than 20 seconds, they reply to your emails, someone in a call centre is actually able to sort out your problem, that sort of thing. However hope is usually tempered by experience and often our plans end

up in remote rural bus station late at on a Saturday night after the last bus has left and there's not another bus until Monday. Next month.

So it is with applying for jobs. Unless you are applying for a job so ludicrous and so far beyond your abilities and qualifications (and I still don't understand why the American Constitution won't let me run for President) then you cannot but help but hope, some teeny weeny goes against all probability speck of hope that you'll get the job you applied for. And, because you have this teeny weeny goes against all probability speck of hope then, like a grain of sand in an oyster, a little pearl of optimism starts to grow and glow faintly in your heart - go on, don't deny it, it does doesn't it, and you start to visualise yourself in that very job, start to think about the commute, the dress code, whether there’s a staff restaurant and how many days vacation will you get. 

Well it's no good, this has to stop for your own peace of mind.

Therefore i've produced a scientifically based series of graphs to demonstrate this tendency in a variety of job seeking circumstances and to help you all quit hoping unnecessarily - it’s a bit (but only a bit) like a Government Stop Smoking campaign except with a lot less money involved and no pile of cigarette stubs outside the door where everyone goes with coffees to have a drink, smoke and a serious slagging off of the organisation and management and have you seen what they've done to our budgets, slashed them how can I run a department on 35p a year? I call these graphs the HOE curve.

HOE = Hope Over Experience.

I have five scenarios.

I’ll start with the 'applying for a job on a on-line job site'. Here you can see that once you have submitted your resume you may as well go and free the pet hamster, sell the car, disconnect from broadband and go and live in remotest Peru because you are never going to hear from them. Ever. Again. Notice on the graph how one doesn't even start off with any hope at all as we all know that a giant set of electronic points is directing all Resumes into space as part of the CETI project and, even now, aliens on the planet Thorg are involved in the universe's largest ever job paper sift which fortunately will prevent them from launching their Earth invasion fleet until 2506 at the earliest.

Next we have the job application where your skills and experience exactly match the job specification, so much so that your Mother must have written it. Note how you start off with such high hopes and then, as time passes, those hopes decay a little and then you start hoping again, then fading steeply and rising so that the graph looks like a little range of mountains such as Hobbits might have to climb whilst they follow the quest of the Ring. Perhaps tomorrow the call to an interview will come.

Now here we have the graph that shows the HOE curve for those jobs that we think we might have a bit of a chance with. You know dark horse, got to be in to win.

Note here that despite all the evidence and knowing that there are 603 much younger candidates for the job we still can't stop ourselves having just a glimmer of hope and that we'll hear. Something. Anything.

Next up is the ‘l applied for this job so long ago it would just about do if I were offered it, but I’d forgotten all about the application and suddenly they’ve called me for an interview.' Here we started with a modicum of hope dropping quickly to zero and then, after an eon of nothingness, climbing vertically back to the hope zone. Then, just as quickly, plummeting like a downed duck. 

Finally we have the ‘Employment Centre insists you apply for three jobs a week if you want to be able to continue claiming unemployment benefit' HOE curve. Even though there are zero vacancies in your sector but 35627 job seekers we know, they (the Employment Centre) know, the recruiters know, even the aliens on Thorg know that this is just plain silly but we we must abide by The Rules. But then you never know.

So there it is . Scientifically graphed evidence that demonstrates that you might as well forget about 99% of all job applications the moment it leaves your hand/PC/Mac/iPad/quill and indeed you might as well shred some of them yourself straight away as it saves time later in the process - if you are gong to be contacted then you will be, so no point worrying unnecessarily. The Gamekeeper of Despair has just reloaded both barrels. You're not going to make his day are you?

But...

If there is one thing I’ve learned, well two things actually because I also know not to eat yellow snow, Persistence pays off. We must not forget the HOE curve because it shows that, sometimes, the ducks of opportunity get away and leave very large messages on the head of the gamekeeper of despair. And that message says 'never ever give up'. Yes, you have to have some luck as well, and sometimes that luck comes sooner and sometimes later.

So I leave you with the last graph. It’s tough. But don’t give up. 

Hope over Experience. Job applications and graphic language

To get a job you generally have to apply for a job.
Applying for a job usually results in...silence.

I felt it necessary for all us job seekers to seek a scientific rationale for this phenomena. Sadly I didn't do that but came up with the Hope Over Experience graph instead.

My festive present; another podcast.

Part 2 of a two part podcast, this time I look at what actions came out of an Action Learning Set for job searching and the outcomes so far. And they are all very positive. Usual place, iTunes, SoundCloud, Sticher, Tune In radio.

Why wouldn't you want to listen? No, actually on second thoughts, maybe don't tell me.

The unexpected obsolescence of a minor god.

Omkh, er yes Omkh, it is Omkh isn't it, not Shlure? You’re here anyway, one of you is. Come in, come in, come in, come in. Make yourself at home. No don’t sit there that’s my throne, only for the higher gods, I’m sure you understand. You don’t, well there we are. Sit there. Yes, that’s a much lower chair. Well, yes I realise that, as you say, that means you have to look up at me and I down at you but then that’s the way of the world. Oh listen to me, the world, haha my little joke. Of course you are in the world and I am in the heavens as a God. As it should be.

Now you know what this is all about, probably know, might think you know, but it’s not a raise though, oh no we don’t do those, except for the higher Gods of course, regularly, but before we start, a few introductions. This is one of the Dark Minions from Hugely Ridiculous, or HR as I believe it is more commonly known though I can’t work out why. They are here to support you through this process. What’s that you say, they are here to make sure the process is carried out correctly, you're pushed out ASAP with the least inconvenience and cost to us and there’s no possible come back on me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes that’s correct. And this is Barely. You recall Barely? Barely Recognised from your union the Order of Minor Gods or OMG. He, she, it or possibly them is here because they are paid a good salary to support our key Minor Gods, as indeed you are, or were, oh dear I seem to have let that slip and they know what’s good for them plus hurled thunderbolts tend to sting. We find it’s always helpful to have a strong working relationship with the unions as they know just the right obsequies and sacrifices to offer without us actually having to change anything at all about the process. OMG is often the first thing people shout when they are confronted with the agenda of these meetings and realise how much support the union doesn’t offer. Were those monthly fees and sacrifices really worth it? 

Anyway the meeting is about your R…no I’ve got it, your R…really it’s fine I’ll get there, your redundancy. Always gets me a little tearful this, can’t sleep during the afternoon for days. What’s that you say, but I’ve still got a job so what’s my problem? Harsh, harsh, do I not bleed if you prick me? Actually no, I’m immortal. But I do stick my golden trident in people who have a go if you get my drift.

Now down to brass tacks, which is what we sometimes have to use to restrain our people when it gets a little heated in here during the discussion. That’s not going to happen with you. That, incidentally, is not a question. Did I mention thunderbolts sting? Bigly? And we haven’t touched on plagues. HR does walk softly and carry a big stick. Well hammer. With embedded nails. And walk softly, some poetic licence actually, as their talons do make a fearful din on the marble floor when they strut. And when HR have their talons out for you…well. You can imagine. Actually you don’t have to, just take a look out of the window into the courtyard below. Ghastly

Now as you’ve heard us Gods say many, many, many times the Minor Gods are our greatest asset. Until of course they are not. You are now in that category. Still here, why haven’t you gone I’ve got better things to do, cause seas to rise, empires to fall, watch Netflix. What’s that HR? Oh, the process yes, if I must. Barely, wake up! I see this has actually come as an unexpected surprise. Perhaps you regard it as a gift from the Gods. No? Odd as it is, in a way. Well my way. 

Your role. Gone, gone, gone. Now what were you doing? Let me see. You managed the Yoinks, you know those little winged animals? Marvellous things those Yoinks. Did you know Yoinks can be persuaded to stand still, extend their wings and be used as small tables during the regular and, I must say, generally bad tempered meetings we Gods hold to discuss strategic things such as what plague or pestilence we might send to distress our people. What we Gods really enjoy, for no obvious reason to the people, is to direct people one way along a path, then immediately reverse their instructions and tell them to travel the other way, denying that we’d ever said anything different in the first place. So much fun.

For us.

I recall Yoinks also have the ability to capture images of short passages of writing from our Gods’ scrolls onto their pupils; they can then carry short messages securely and quickly to my fellow Gods using the this service, flying vast distances through the Cloud. It’s known as eye messaging. 

The problem with Yoinks was they were generally very unproductive and whoever managed them had to keep a close watch on the herds. They were apt to sit around staring into space or wandering off to do whatever they felt like doing. The Yoinks dislike being herded. Yoinks like grazing best I’m told.

Ah yes but you know all this because you managed them. Very well apparently, for years, even though we Gods gave you no direction whatsoever. And ignored you. Except to complain bitterly if a tiny thing totally out of your control went unexpectedly wrong. Then thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening. It wasn’t? Must be losing our touch. Make a note HR. Everyday be a little worse in every way. Can’t have the staff getting uppity.

Still, times move on. Not that you’d notice if you were immortal like us Gods. Or we think we are. Irreplaceable that’s us. Still. Where was I? People. Times are hard, times of austerity. I’ve had to reduce my stable of golden unicorns by 1, down to 149 now. And my winged chariot will no longer be replaced on an annual basis. Every three years now. Three years! Monstrous. You only have a small ass you say? Well good for you but what your diet and exercise has to do with this meeting beats me. Oh I see what you mean. But it will last you now, as long as you find a way to cover your ass of course. Years of faithful service, exemplary conduct, met all objectives, loved by all. HR why am I reading this about me? Oh right. It’s about the ass. No got that wrong as well, Omkh you apparently. Are you sure? Sounds like me?

But the people. Misguided though they might be, certainly are, but they don’t seem to worship us quite as much as they used to. Looking elsewhere for their things of worship. I hear there are new gods, new personal gods such as Eye Fone and someone called Ann Troid and these new gods help the people worship FarceBook and InstaGod. So cuts have to be made, hard choices taken, areas merged. Just not amongst us Gods. So we’ve decided to merge, well not me of course I have no idea how these things work just reading this script, the Yoinks, who you manage, managed there I go again, with the burrowing death squirrels. You are aware the burrowing death squirrels keep the Gods’ palaces clean, free of vermin and people, should they be ill advised to try and talk directly to us Gods.

So that means you are out. Sorry, sorry, sorry, went off piste for a moment. Sadly, it says here on this bit of paper, we must let you go and spend more time with your family. They’ve all left? Because you dedicated so much of your life working long hours to support us Gods? Suck…I mean how touching. Still time, time to think about all those alternative opportunities. And in recognition of that dedication we are paying, really HR we pay these little people, the statutory redundancy of one pewter figurine. 

Yes of course we realise that puts you in a difficult position but what do we care now? Oh I know there’s all that guff about ‘our people’ and ‘greatest assets’ but no one seriously believes that. Do they?

And you had no inkling you say? Are not inklings the progeny of Yoinks? You didn't guess at all? And finding another Minor God role will be hard. Ah, your age. Might be a factor in getting another job I concede. No there aren’t any other roles here for you. We have culled the number of Minor God roles, culled like one of those virulent plagues we send amongst the people from time to time. Sorry what was that HR? I mean we have carefully reviewed our ongoing viable Minor God management structure and regretfully concluded that we can easily exploit all the other gullible and less well paid staff that are left. We did look. No I’m not crossing my fingers behind my back as I say that. We regret we cannot take on any more staff, budgets and portents of doom from the Seers you know. BAD. Naturally we Gods have to find funds to extend our palaces and re-gild our chariots. Especially as I can only replace them every three years, have I mentioned that?

Yes we realise that losing one’s role when you are an older Minor God is not ideal and that this was unexpected. For you, though, we've been planning it for ages. We really don’t care even though we say we do and it’s written on this scroll and on posters all over the palaces but we know it’s not the best place to be. The best place for you to be is no longer here. So crack on. I’m sure that doesn’t render you obsolete. You will have many transferable skills. Convincing employers might be hard you say? Because you will be obviously overskilled for such roles and they will be wary. Surely not, potential employers would be looking for wisdom, experience, loyalty and leadership skills over callow, naive and yet much cheaper promiscuous youth. Surely that must be the case. Yes, yes, we know you have many skills. What’s that, numerous skills that are honed to resemble the blade of the finest Toledo steel? Maybe you could be a cheese seller. You know, cutting skills, slicing cheese. Oh I see, you were using a metaphor. 

Well thank you for your time Shlure. What? I mean Omkh.

Say goodbye to HR and OMG. Barely, do wake up and HR do stop clawing.

All the best. Who or what is next?

What’s a metaphor?

Not quite a TED talk

Recently I gave a brief presentation on why I podcast. 
Why indeed?
Anyway here it is, the presentation, in glorious sound and vision, with maps and subtle sound effects. 
An EoTP first.

The story of a resume submitted as a job application. In glorious technicolour and with Lego.